teach us to love.

Candid.

2011-06-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

I don't write much these days. To tell you the truth, I haven't created much of anything these days and I think it's leaving me desolate. If we're made in His image and he is the Creator, isn't it too part of our nature to do so? Or is this desolation a direct reflection of my waning connection to the one who made me?

Either way. Inside I'm dying, but I choose to live. Each day can be a big struggle internally, but sometimes I'm granted the strength to make it through. It often seems like I'm at the mercy of my hormones or some tiny invisible chemicals which may or may not be clearing from betwixt a synapse correctly. If only it were as easy as taking a pill to regulate things; maybe it is, but if I may try to explain that just the act of trying to take a pill every day despite reminders, or the chore of contacting a doctor and scheduling an appointment then also asking off of work and having the time of day during work to do that then actually getting a prescription that doesn't cost an arm and a leg that also works?! It may seem silly but this battle that rages inside of me is enough to have kept me away from getting help for the past 2 years. It's also the moments of," I'm fine, I'm happy enough to do this alone," or "With God's help I can beat this," or "I'll start the pills I have left then call," and then don't....which screw you over.

Why am I being so candid? I don't know. It's a moment of vulnerability I suppose, as I read inspiring words of strong women I know; and it's a return to the blogging style that I've adopted from the very get-go of an angelfire html blog in 1999, through xanga and myspace and facebook which has now landed me here... and even though this is my blog for all things Uganda it all ties in. I'm afraid deep down that the fear which grips me and tells me I'll never be free of this deep sadness keeps me from accomplishing the things I need to get back to the country I love, or explore new countries, and even from the life God wants me to have.

Me owning it is my way of fighting back. Depression, you may ebb and flow within me on a chemical level, but my spirit is fortified by one who holds all the power I need to make it through. I can still have a purpose, and I can still fulfill it despite these teensy troubles which you try to make seem like mountains. Also, I have put my foot down and finally found the energy to attempt another doctor's appointment. I'm not too proud to take a pill. Be in prayer with me, anyone who is reading, that Tuesday goes well and I can find something affordable to help with the physiological side of things. I'm ready to move on. From any attack possible. I'm fighting back, and all guns will be blazing.

(this is for anyone who may also be living in fear, or in self-defeat. there are times we can choose, or not choose, to wallow...and times to own it and fight back. praying you may glean any inspiration to move forward with me. love.)

The Boys I Love

2011-05-30T14:04:00.000-07:00

It may never be the 100% super hip flashiness of a website that one dreams of, but for now, the website for Caring Place Boys' Home is up and able to take donations. One of the boys has been in the hospital with malaria, Sera has been in and out of doctor's offices since a boda accident, and Daniel has undergone a lot of medical treatment after a fall from a tree at school... the boys will be starting a new semester soon and there are so many financial needs overall. I don't know where all the finances are going to come from or have been coming from, but I am determined never to let these boys go back to the streets ever again. They have a home, they have education, and a hope to break the pattern of their parents' mistakes... will you join with me in supporting however you can? Even 5-10$ here and there if you think of it...or a recurring donation each month...even a one time donation if you have the change today? together we can do this.

www.serascaringplace.org

God Knows.

2011-01-24T11:38:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks were at the same time a whirlwind, and a lifetime. I never make many posts while in Jinja because I'm happier not spending time at the internet cafe when I could be holding dear Debra or watching the boys play cards or run around racing tires (I'm not sure what the tire-stick activity is actually called, guys, any help?).

Saying goodbye to the Caring Place boys is something that has stayed with me since Saturday morning and will stay with me every time I glance down at my wrist or think of them... Ugandans are notoriously bad with goodbyes. Usually their way of showing sadness is to not show it, to look down as they address you, or look away. This time there were hugs, handshakes (while still looking away), and more hugs. I looked at Matt and Meddie, one of the older guys, was tying a friendship bracelet around his wrist. Then Monday was tying one on me. Daniel, Dennis, and more of the boys joined around, frantically running to their rooms to find some bracelet, some gave us drawings, and others, little trinkets. I ended up with two slinkies around my arms as bracelets before it was all through, as well. These things that I had seen them wearing around which had been given to them, they wanted to share with us to remember them by. I made a mental note to send back some new bracelets of our own to them to repay their kindness, and to justify accepting some of their few posessions. Those sweet boys.

"Auntie, when are you coming back?" some asked, and others more specifically inquired," Auntie, which month are you coming back?" to which I could only reply the typical Christian Ugandan response of "God knows," which I like because it is true and vague at the same time. Sadly vague. But I felt more peace about the fact that God does know. I don't, but he does. And I feel like he's bringing me back still, though I do not know the date.

The faces, the hands which were tying on bracelets, are etched in my memory, traced into my palms from countless greetings and handholds, and invisibly grabbing hold of my heart.

Where I expected downcast glances, or difficulty even rounding some of them up out of their rooms so early for goodbyes... we instead were followed across the lawn and down to the street to catch our boda motorcycle back to Bukaya. All of them, waving in the street, us covered in bracelets and holding papers and small toys, shouting I love yous... I barely made it onto the back of that boda before I lost it. It's a long ride to Bukaya in silence with your driver, but the wind is very efficient when it comes to whipping away the evidence... all I could think was God, you know. Please bring us back.

Kaihura

2011-01-10T00:26:00.000-08:00

Monday we made the trek to Kampala to meet up with Chris and Katie Sasser, who were there because their youngest son Logan had misplaced an airsoft pellet in his ear. Despite the circumstances, we were grateful for the ride back to Kaihura (you’ll see why later). The Sassers are missionaries with Global Support, based in Nashville, and are about 2 years into their 5 year stint in Kaihura. Their house has come a long way from the plot of land and various iron windows and doors I remember carrying up from the roadside welders in 2009 with the Nashville team (many in Kaihura send their greetings to you guys, by the way).

Kaihura is like an oasis compared to the day in Kampala traffic, and then the hour and a half long stretch of construction which sent us jumping from our seats to the ceiling as Chris skillfully navigated speed humps and bad Ugandan driving, and I tried not to look at the edges of the road which plummeted straight down into gullies. In Kaihura, the madness stops and you are greeted by smiling faces, little girls bowing out of respect as they shake your hands, and Maureen, one of the cooks, directs you to a table set with delicious matooke (mashed boiled plantains), cabbage, irish (potatoes) and sodas.

We are supposed to begin building a well on Tuesday, but as is common in Uganda, we find out that it is not yet ready, so Matt and I headed to the Home Again orphanage to greet the little ones. I was excited to meet Paige, a sweet little preemie who had just arrived in 2009, and didn’t look like she had grown much over the past 2 years. She has hemiplegic CP, but has recently begun to receive some physiotherapy consultation and the staff at Home Again say she has really improved. Cute kiddo, but she sure does know when a PT is in the room. Stubborn tears aside, she participated really well for me. There was also a little boy named Moses whose grandparents had come by to visit. He was 6, and just recently began to walk. I was able to talk them through some exercises for strengthening and later saw them as we were boda-ing down the street. I love being able to see someone on the street here and greet them with waves and smiles…it really makes the village feel a lot smaller.

There was also a youth conference going on all week, so we periodically popped in and out to hear people speaking (including Katie), and join in some singing. God was definitely all around us this past week, His Spirit seemed almost palpable in Kaihura. I don’t know how else to describe it, but Katie was using the example of faith in God being like knowing the wind is there because you can feel it… and if you close your eyes in Kaihura, I imagine you can even feel God’s touch in that wind. Cheesy maybe. But true.

Wednesday and Thursday were well-diggin’ days. I know Matt was really looking forward to this part, and being able to get his hands dirty. I was almost dreading it because I know I am “She of Little Upper Body Strength” and if Ugandans let you do a task they are quick to take a shovel or hoe back from you if you’re inefficient. However, it really wasn’t that bad. The well was being built in a community called Busanza, about a 15 min drive from Kaihura along some back roads off of back roads, which the community was machete-ing to make wider even as we drove up. What I was most impressed with was the community turnout. There were at least 20 people clearing the roads, and 20-30 more adults and children who showed up to help at the well on Wednesday. I think one of the greatest attributes of the Know Think Act program is that all of the money donated through it really does go directly to each designated project, and then the Sassers or whoever is on the ground at the time, along with a local organization, are out recruiting the community to become involved and supply the work to get it done. Impressive in action.

Their current water source was about a 100 yard hike from where we parked our car, a nice shaded, steady stream of fairly clean looking water. Unfortunately, so low to the ground that many who were there were filling up smaller bottles and then having to pour them into the standard sized jerry cans to hike back to their families. The stream of water was manually diverted and the digging began, and the rest of us began the first of MANY trips carrying the large stones which would line the box well from the parking clearing all the way back to the site. And that, my friends, is how muscles are made…

I remember one trip in 2007 where I carried a pack of TP on my head from main street to Amani’s Vol House… I mean, if the locals are going to giggle at Mzungu, we might as well give em something to giggle at, right? Well, I decided to see what just one trip from the clearing to the well site might feel like while carrying a stone on my head, as many of the women and even the tiniest of little girls were doing. One of the women laughed as she fashioned me a grass wreath for a cushion.

Now, those of you who have known me the past 6 months know of the migraines and neck pain I have been having, and those of you who might be coworkers reading this might acknowledge that the worst thing I could do for my cervical spine would be to put a few kilos of compression through it with stones. But let me tell you this tiny/large, surprising miracle… it didn’t hurt. One bit. In fact, it was easier. What?! And so my trips continued on both days. Rocks on head. A silly-looking Mzungu, inwardly praising for the temporary relief of pain to assist with the task at hand. Let it be known that you CAN carry more weight on your head than in your arms!

We didn’t get to see the finished well by the time we left on Friday, but that was okay. It was great participating, and seeing the process. Also, some of your donations were put through the Nashville Cares group towards that very well, so when we post photos, they’re really your dollars at work, making change. Thank you- webale muno, in Ritoro.

I also got the privilege of working with a woman named Faith (not Kunihira Faith, though she is always a pleasure to see, but this Faith works at the Hope Again clinic) to reinforce a treatment plan for Paige and review some treatment options for other patients she had. She was very quick to pick up the hands on techniques, and even though Paige knew it was therapy time, there weren’t as many tears working with her as this strange, super-white person J

Thursday night we rode to Fort Portal for dinner, and that night after packing up I hung out with Juliet, Robina, Liz, Esther, and Christine… some crazy wonderful girls who live at Faith’s house. It was kind of a Ugandan girls’ night… we painted fingernails, helped take out braids (ouch!), sang praise songs, and then sang/danced to some Ugandan children’s rhymes (Casey, Shelby, you guys might remember the statue game!). Very fun.

I’ve written a ton that you guys are probably skimming, so I’ll save the trip back to Jinja for its own entry. I’m not so great at taking the time to blog here, for obvious reasons such as making every moment here count… thank you for prayers and support. I see it in action every day, and we’ve only been here a week or so. But thank you.

Water diverted for well building

Faith working with Paige on the therapy ball- she's a natural!

Katie speaking at the youth conference

I loved that little one's rock-carrying skills

girls' night!

Challenged.

2010-12-24T11:14:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas Eve, and I've escaped the Nashville potentially-white Christmas cold and traded it in for Sunny and 62 in Ozark. I'm sitting outside an Arby's, my only known free-Wifi spot (any suggestions, Ozarkians?), checking emails and corresponding for the trip. Guilt has begun to set in about leaving my family, most importantly my mom, and taking this trip. I received a disturbing letter from a friend of hers telling me her health was bad and I needed to "step up and move home" to be with her. Details aside, Mom's not doing great but she's definitely not to the point of non-independence at home. I think she's bored here, but all in all ok for now. Or is she? Am I being selfish living my life so far away? Trying to get in as much as possible of my dreams, to include African living and serving, before I potentially get stuck in this town for the rest of my life? All of this plagues my mind and heart, because I love my mom so but I am desperate for this life and one day a family of my own...seeing myself as a caregiver is so far off. I'm not ready. I'm incomplete.

I see great inspiration from the family unit in foreign countries... the feeble, the extended family, the orphaned are all taken in by those viable, if able. I don't want to be part of a culture that rejects the old, sends them to assisted living but never visits... I wonder if our culture though just doesn't always lend itself to it... What more could I even do, working 40 hours a week, to take my mom to the doctor or supervise her at home? I'd still need help. It's not practical to quit everything, and it's borderline irresponsible no matter what I'd do.

Regardless. This may get deleted. But for now, I pray for my mom's health, mental and physical. That God would be with her, heal her if possible, prevent worsening of things, and watch for her safety... to surround her with friends who are kind and patient. Church family. And to allow me to learn to be a better daughter, to love and care as Christ did....not just in Africa but here as well.

Coming together...

2010-12-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

We are pretty grungy today. I guess you could say we are preparing for being covered in dirt and not worrying about washing/fixing hair or makeup, not ironing clothes... but we aren't really. The Christmas shopping has been combined with toiletry shopping, scouring deals on teen boy clothes and baby items that can be used with therapy, and setting aside money for Visas and taxis from the airport. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stretched super thin right now.

When I told my dad we were going to Uganda again, he said," Oh that must be nice, to have the money to do that," with a slightly detectable sense of resentment in his voice. It stung. I told him that we DIDN'T, but were raising money as usual. My dad loves and supports me, but I know he must think we're foolish. Even sometimes I think I'm foolish. We've had a couple of great donors, but one can tell that around the holidays, and with the economy in this states, people are having a tough year. But I know that God will provide, and even if most of it comes out of pocket it is worth it. We will make it work. The part I most want to see take off will be if we can finally get the non-profit set up for the boys' home when we are back. Speaking of, anyone have an old beat up DSLR they wanna let me borrow to take to another country to gather good photos/profiles of the boys? Ha.

Enough wishing. Let me leave you with a little note of praise for what we HAVE gotten done so far... I am so excited about implementing this! If you have donated then THANK YOU for helping us with these projects and I will post pics after we get everything to UG!

- Purchased and cut PVC pipe to create parallel bars (therapy equipment for Ekisa)

- Baby rattles, blocks, a swiss ball and play mats for therapy sessions (Ekisa and Kaihura)

- Webbing/clamps to *hopefully* set up a therapeutic platform swing (Ekisa, pending available materials and lumber in Jinja)

- Clothing for boys home

- Vitamins for Racham Ministries

- Binders with pictures and how-to for pediatric therapy exercises

Can't wait to get everything over there!

Wish list if anyone wants to know what your money may go to:

- lumber/building supplies for Ekisa swing

- Well building project - go to www.knowthinkact.org and view the Action Group "Nashville Cares"- you can join the group and donate directly to any project on the site!

- therapy ball- would like to buy one more, on sale for $10

- Gummy vitamins per Racham Ministries request- $10/tub

More updates soon! Keep us in your prayers!

love love love.

2010-11-21T10:04:00.000-08:00

In my mind, the departure for Uganda might as well be tomorrow with the sense of urgency I feel about getting ready. What have you been doing these two long years since you were last there? my brain shouts... Why are you not ready? But I wont ever be perfectly ready. I'm just going to get done what I can and then continue what I can from whichever geographical location I find myself in.

Emily (Worrall, of Ekisa ministries) has FOUND and signed for a house! I'm so excited to hear this. Next, she is waiting to hear of approval for Ugandan NGO status so they can start moving in kiddos. I was touched when I saw a post about another girl she may be taking in soon and thought I should share this photo of Nancy. I don't know much about her but my heart breaks for children like this... in our own country and in many other countries who could benefit from the least bit of intervention, whose parents could easily learn some very helpful tips that could go a long way in optimizing quality of life for these kids. Side note: I don't like "scare tactics" and sad photos from infomercials to motivate people to care and get involved, but to me this photo is hopeful because I know this girl is loved and cared for.

I'm making lists of easy to carry therapy equipment for the children's home (theraball, sensory toys, etc) and trying to figure out how to best meet bigger needs (swingset for therapy and daily care? braces/helmets/walkers).

Also trying to save for the boys home and Kaihura needs we want to provide for. The Christmas season is proving rough for fundraising and saving. I'm behind on personal bills yet here I sit at a coffee shop, contemplating going out to see the new Harry Potter later... perhaps there is even more cracking down to be done on a personal level.

If you're in the Nashville area, please come out on Tuesday Nov 30 to Rocketown. There is a Red Earth Trading Co. Christmas Party, where they will have goods to benefit Global Support Mission and my friend Katie Snyder is going to be selling prints small and large to benefit the Caring Place boys home! Spread the word.

thanks.

love.

updates

2010-10-31T14:27:00.000-07:00

tickets- check! Thank you, Tabitha Lovell with MKI/Cheap Mission Trips for finding the cheapest tickets yet... I'm so happy to have that out of the way.... now if I could pinch myself a few times, because that sense of urgency I had while asking off of work and picking out tickets has now flooded into a nice, all too reassuring peaceful feeling and I almost need a little anxious kick in the pants to get me going and planning again!

2010-10-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

We are going to Uganda!
More details to follow, but urgently please pray for the funds up front to purchase our tickets which have to be paid for in the next day or so... neither one of us have a credit card, we have some savings but not quite this much! sigh. We trust God for the funds over the next couple of months its just this sort of immediacy is rough!

pray, pray...

Everyone deserves a chance...

2010-09-15T14:31:00.001-07:00

I wish I were better at blogging these days... there is a comfort that comes from not having internet at your house, and at the same time a huge lack of communication, and in my case (being someone who can communicate better via type than talk), a lack of self-expression.

A lot of things are very quickly coming across my plate with regards to a future (date unspecified but secretly wished for) trip back to Uganda. My heart is bursting lately with a constant barrage of new knowledge of all things therapy, and while I have a job that allows me to put this into practice stateside, I cannot ignore my loved ones back in Uganda. I cannot fathom a life where I don't eventually get to put this into practice in countries where the children do not always have access to therapy services or parents who are able to provide a means of getting to a place where they can get it... or even parents at all.

[My heart is also yearning for several other non-PT related needs of my friends in Uganda, ie the boys' home, Kaihura and Home Again and clean water projects, but those are other stories for other dates]

I know that being concerned with a child's development often takes a backseat when one thinks of all the things one can do on missions trips & can even be overwhelming for those who are already in another country and find children in their care... there are doctors visits, finding help for childcare, food&clothing&shelther, schooling needs, restoring nutrition for those coming out of bad or unknown situations, and even basic safety. I mean, with all of those concerns multiplied by the number of kids at an orphanage or under foster care, I can't imagine how instructions from a therapist trying to implement some sort of intervention program with regularity even gets onto the list!

However, I know in my heart that different people have different purposes. Different skill sets. Different ways of being equipped according to the purposes to which God desires them to fulfill. Maybe the responsibility is not adding the burden to another, but doing something myself. I constantly question "Why me, Lord?" when I feel that tug to Uganda, to India, to South America... "Why can't I have the resources I need to allow me to pay off all this debt, to travel to another country and somehow be a missionary like I know you are calling me to in some extent?" and "Why do I have to wait?" Instead, maybe I should be looking more at what God is equipping me with now, and the using the resources I am already provided with rather than desiring what is in the future and as yet unattained. I know that I may be a relatively new therapist, but somehow God chose me... little me... to be a therapist with a heart for this (as I think I have met many therapists with the same heart, I know this cannot be a rarity) and even moreso, a person with a heart for this who happens to have a certain skillset.

I cannot just wait around for access to therapy to become available to these children. Maybe it will, maybe it wont. Maybe it comes through me... It may be foolish for me to envision dropping all obligations and moving away to pursue this full time, but it may be doable to continue learning here, and try to either better equip those in charge of these kids or take periodic short term trips to implement and evaluate etc etc.... I'm having some pretty interesting (and overwhelming!) ideas as of late. But regardless, I'm feeling happy and blessed to see how the aptitude for the sciences that God seemed to have placed in me has led to a certain career, combined with some crazy connection that landed me in Uganda 6 years ago, and now finally seeing two seemingly separate interests of my crazy head/heart converge into a possibility.

Craziness.

So currently, I am making a point to be in prayer for revelation and wisdom in Purpose, for those caring for orphans overseas, and for their physical/emotional needs so that these kids can have the best functional outcome and best LOVE outcome possible. Everyone deserves a chance. No matter what situation you were born into.

Another simple revelation.

2010-03-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

Continually, I feel like God takes the simplest of concepts and reveals them to us in a way we've never seen. I always think, " How have I gone the past 11 years (my life as a Christ-follower) without understanding THAT?" So simple. Today that moment came during a discussion on God's love/wrath.

I've never fully understood the concept of God's wrath. How can someone who IS love possible call wrath down upon us? And I know that "love the sinner, hate the sin" is a phrase we live by, but why?? A lot of us think that we serve a "New Testament God" who doesn't have wrath as he did in the Old testament, for Sodom and Gomorrah, or when he chose to preserve an ark of a few and flood out the rest. But then, how do we explain something as is written in Romans 1? Or Colossians 3:1-6?"Because of these, the wrath of God is coming."

We gloss over the part where there is punishment and accountability for our actions because we simply believe that our God is loving and merciful and will forgive us no matter what. Even those who do not claim Jesus' blood as atonement feel that God will be merciful. To me, it's always seemed confusing and contradictory that such love and wrath could coexist.

The way it was phrased by the pastor this morning was this: He spoke of his teenage daughter who was out driving and someone was harassing her and terrorizing her on the road. As a father, he wanted nothing more than to not only keep his child out of harm's way, but to chase after this road terrorist and hunt. him. down.

Think of a family member whom you love more than life itself. I think of the children at Amani and those children I've nannied for in the states as the closest thing I have to my own kids... if I could keep them from every evil in the world, I would try my best. Not only that, but because I love them SO MUCH, I actually despise anyone that would want to do them harm (any protective mama bears out there? papa bears?).

It's not that God is love AND wrath in one, it's BECAUSE of His extreme love for his children, his creation, that he pours out his wrath on what comes against us: sin, decay, the death that sometimes we embrace daily as a mere part of society. Call me stupid, but I've never fully made this connection in my brain.

Click.

How much pain, then, does it cause our Father when we embrace the pollutants of this world warned about in Romans 1?

I can't fathom that his answer for this was put out in love, instead of wrath, when he sent his son to earth to be a sacrificial Lamb. An example of purity amidst the pollution, who willingly chose his father's will for his life... (I also wonder that Jesus must've been so certain of God's voice in this matter... how can we purify ourselves so that we too might hear God's voice so clearly when it comes to his will for our lives?) And this sacrifice of love was so that we might see, and fully turn from sin, choosing to let Jesus' blood be the path to goodness in our Father's eyes?

Food for thought on this Sunday.

What We Can Learn From the Poor

2010-02-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday night marked the 3rd annual This is Love banquet in Nashville, organized by my friends over at Global Support Mission. I always enjoy hearing Travis and the guys speaking about their vision for Global Support because it refreshes my heart and echoes my own desires about how I believe we can *best* help other countries grow towards a place of self-sustainability.

This year, the guest speaker was Michael Hyatt, of Thomas Nelson publishing. He spoke about "What We (Christians) Can Learn From the Poor," and I found myself very attuned to what he had to say. Oh, how my heart needed to hear that message. I've been lucky enough to see firsthand the lessons we can learn, and yet I find myself drifting through more and more days at a time without reflecting on it. Humility. Gratitude. Contentment. Community.

I haven't forgotten by any means these qualities that I saw daily in people like Betty, Mama Susan (and all the mamas of Amani), Daisy, Faith, and Sarah... but I feel so stagnant in how to more actively apply them to my life. Michael gave this quote:

"The rich exist for the sake of the poor; the poor exist for the salvation of the rich."-St. John Chrysostom

I know for a fact I would not be who I am today without encountering the poverty in a foreign country firsthand, or without going out to those few soup kitchens and homeless outreaches (very few, I'm almost ashamed) of years past. And it's funny, because a lot of you, myself included, consider ourselves to be in the poorer subgroup of Americans. Until very recently, I've been in that broke, dollar-menu/ramen-eating college student subgroup who consider all sorts of things like plasma donation and medical studies to earn an extra dollar. And for a little while, I'll be in that "I have a job but I'm stuck paying off debts for the next 10-20 years" subgroup as well. Rich? Not in this country. But poor? Nothing close. Though, the more and more I think about it, I need to start living a lot more frugally than I do. Since getting back from the last Uganda trip (which I cannot believe was a year ago already), I try to be well-satisfied in my non-upgraded, brown carpet one-bedroom apartment, to shop for discounts when I need clothing, and to use coupons whenever possible. Save energy. Not worry so much if my highlights are 2 or 3 or 6 months grown out. The things I think about cutting down on really do seem sort of silly, dont they?

Who really needs a new outfit when a mother in Uganda considers a non-matching, out of style, and possibly not even gender appropriate set of clothes to be a treasure as long as it isnt full of holes and clay stains? I dont own anything that could be considered close to rags. On the little planet scale, I'm still richer than 99% of the world's population, or something close to that.

Towards the end of his speech, Michael also gave another quote that pierced directly to my current situation:

"Don't fail to do something just because you can't do everything,"- Bob Pierce, founder World Vision.

Guilty.

Dear Amanda,

Stop being so frustrated with not knowing when your next trip to Uganda or another country will be. Stop hating your current circumstances so much that depression overtakes you and you lose the energy and time to be more proactive just because you are coddling the aches of your heart. Do what you said you wanted to do while "stuck" in the States... help where you are. Do what you can.

Love,

Somebody who knows your future better than you.

************************

Sidenote: Mr. Hyatt also provided everyone at the banquet with a book, which I am currently starting. It's called "The Hole in Our Gospel" and it's by Richard Stearns. I'm excited to read it. Book club, anyone?

Nice to meet you, Josie Love.

2009-12-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

The week before Thanksgiving I had the privilege of doing what I never imagined to be possible: I got to drive about 5 miles down the road from my cozy American apartment, and hug, kiss, and hold one of the same children that I hugged, kissed, and held at Amani Baby Cottage on the other side of the globe.

That's right, Amani Josephine is now Josie Love Mayernick. She has a Mommy and Daddy. She has brothers and sisters. She has been a part of a loving babies' home for most of her life, and now is being ushered into the place where she will grow up with so many opportunities and so much love from her forever family. Seeing these children come home fills me with so much joy that I can't help but be reminded of how the angels in heaven must rejoice every time one of God's children "comes home" into his family.

From what I've heard, some dear friends of mine are visiting another new Amani transplant this week as well. I hope their heart is as happy as mine <3

Hallelujah.

Welcome home, baby girl.

A bit of non Uganda, but in keeping with theme.

2009-10-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

I named this blog partly on whim, and partly on a mission... my own personal mission for my last trip to Uganda. Little did I know what a challenge it would be re-learning how to love in the way (or rather, ways) that Jesus intended us to love. Sometimes I tend to be a little single-minded when presented with something I'm passionate about, and I forget just how important it is to treat every day stateside with the same love and attention to detail.

This weekend I was presented with a heavy challenge mentally, emotionally, and physically with regards to my own family. My mother, to be precise. She is having some health problems that have unfortunately affected her mental state, and left me one (physical) state north trying to sort things out and take care of her. It's not something I've been prepared for, and though I've felt like this time might come, i didn't expect it to be so soon. Hopefully I will be able to leave work a couple of days once I speak to my boss tomorrow to go down and take care of matters, but this could be a long drawn out process.

I'll admit I've neglected matters of my own family since graduating college simply because I've needed some time to heal from wounds of my teenage and college years, but the past year or so I've been trying to make a point of manning up and mending ties. And here's the test. Rather, *a* test. My mother may hate me right now, but I know it's not her speaking. I pray that she knows how much I love her even if I haven't been so good at showing it or knowing how. I ask for everyone's prayers that she would have quick healing and caring doctors, and that the spiritual battle that is going on behind it all might be won with love and patience and kindness... that our Father is keeping a close eye on his sparrows as He's promised.

I'm scared. I'm in over my head. I'm tired..... hard-pressed from every side but not crushed, for certain. I'm learning the extent of His love as it carries me through.

Emotional exhaustion, heavy hearts, and a little optimism

2009-09-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

These two kiddos, especially, are on my mind today.

It's been one of the most dramatic weeks in a long time for those following the Ugandan news and adoption blogs. In case you aren't following, please go read

www.joiningthejourney.blogspot.com

for a small idea of what I'm talking about. Please pray for my dear friends and dear Josephine as they go on this journey together.

Josephine, or Josie Love, was diagnosed with HIV this week as her family (writers of the above blog) were taking her for a routine health check-up in Kampala (I cringe at the thought of what the streets of Kampala were like on Monday-see previous post). The news brought us all to our knees. These children become like our own children as volunteers, and hearing about Josie's diagnosis brought up maternal feelings that you don't expect to feel as a single girl of 25. I can't imagine the scale of hearing this as a full-blown parent, though I know that all over the world, parents are getting this news more frequently than I'm comfortable thinking about... It's sobering, and my prayers are definitely with the Mayernick's for wisdom and peace.

I'm angry. I keep thinking of the phrase, "If anyone had a right to be mad at God, it would be ________" and inserting the names of so many I know who are going through times such as these this week. But I'm not angry with God. Just angry. If I could channel the passion I feel about this into a physical fight, somebody would be hitting the deck in less than 10 seconds, I'm sure. This sweet baby girl... with such a diagnosis.

But here's why I'm not angry at God:

I'm so thankful for medical advances that will allow her to extend and improve the quality of her life much longer than a HIV+ child just 5 years ago...

So thankful that this daughter of the King was placed in the care of Amani, who ensured she has been SO loved her entire childhood, and who have lined her up with an AMAZING adoptive family to love on her even more

and SO thankful that through all of this, this diagnosis WAS discovered and she could be put on ARV's long before she might have if living somewhere outside of the orphanage, and as a result her outcome will be drastically different.

God has NOT forgotten her. He chose her to be in these circumstances to SAVE her. He has used everyone in her life in a specific, calculated way to bring her to this point, and to me this means that even with anger at the Enemy for his planned attacks and with anger at disease and world circumstances, instead we should rejoice that our God is MIGHTY and sovereign and His eye is on this little sparrow.

The World is in Motion

2009-09-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be editing together some videos for a video letter to our dearests in Uganda, but just thought I'd take a short break to share something I read today from the Palmers' blog (http://www.oneroofafrica.blogspot.com) so that you can all be in prayer. There are a lot of dear friends in Uganda right now, and even though everyone is mostly in Jinja or out west away from the Kampala area, I'm still concerned. Especially be in prayer for the Mayernick's and the Keck's, who are traveling in/out of Uganda in the next couple of weeks, which involves travel through Kampala. I copied and pasted this for reading ease, but please take a few minutes to get informed (I feel like American media misses out on a lot of important news).

From the Palmers:

SEPTEMBER 11, 2009

Remember?

This is a serious post. The usual humor will have to wait for next time.

We got a call last night from Mama Rose, about 10:15 or so. She's an avid radio listener, and she wanted to let us know about some disturbing reports coming from Kampala, the capital city of Uganda. There had been some rioting earlier that day, and people died, and that's about all we knew. She wanted us to "pray for the situation." We did, went to sleep, and that was that.

And then today happened. The rioting continued, people were barricading streets, setting buses and shops on fire, robbing, beating. Local transport like taxis and buses stopped running. The military was called in. Stray bullets from their guns found unwitting human targets. Radio stations were shut down. Journalists were detained and beaten for taking pictures of the scene.

What's causing all of this? Here's the official AP story, which contains this nutshell version:

The unrest began Thursday after the government prevented a representative of the traditional ruler of the Buganda kingdom from traveling to a region northeast of the capital for a political rally. Members of the kingdom make up Uganda's largest ethnic group but there is friction between the Buganda and members of the smaller Banyara tribe, who claim the Buganda refuse to recognize them.

Basically, it's tribalism rearing its ugly head, and President Museveni is in the middle of it somehow.

Michelle and I have been reading a lot of different articles about the unrest (BBC News has a good one, as doesReuters, and there are a couple of independent sources that were especially illuminating), and we're discovering that this is a complicated issue with no easy solutions. Tribal sovereignty colliding with democratic government, especially one that isn't exactly known for being pure and wholesome. But both sides have what seem to me to be legitimate claims.

(And for the record, we are currently safe and sound. Jinja [where we live] is about 80 kilometers east of Kampala, and for the moment, it looks like none of this will make its way out here. So please don't worry.)

All that aside, what's struck us the most is that all this is happening on September 11th. As I remember that dreadful, shocking day, the thing I remember most is the way the crisis united America as a nation. For the next few weeks and months, we were able to look past ideological, political, and even theological differences and see each other as humans, as Americans.

Remember that? Doesn't it seem so far away?

Uganda is a tiny nation in the middle of East Africa that is often dwarfed in notability by her neighbors, like Kenya, Sudan, Rwanda. The inability to speak your mind and be heard by your government here isn't going to be noticed by the international media, because there are more sensational things happening in those other countries. But the fact of the matter is, it's difficult to make your voice heard here.

There are many Ugandans who want to see this country go in a different, more progressive direction, that are tired of seeing government workers drive very nice vehicles while the poor go hungry and lack water. That are tired of people putting their tribes ahead of their country. That are tired of the lack of listening they perceive coming from their leaders.

So what can they do? We asked Mama Rose that question this morning, and she said, "What can I do? I can do nothing. So I get on my knees and I pray for Museveni, because he is our president. And he is just a man like me."

Americans have the luxury of being petty and focusing on soundbites and sensationalism. Americans can afford to prop up weak arguments with rhetoric and shouting instead of logic and facts. Americans are blessed to be able to try to argue the other guy under the table without ever trying to listen to him.

Because Americans have an audience. Americans have a voice.

Here? Not the same.

So, on this September 11th, can we all put aside the stupidity, the name-calling, the shouting, the money-grabbing rants to increase our ad revenue? Can we remember those days eight years ago when we all decided to be grown-ups and see the humanity in each other? Can we focus on the planks in our own eyes instead of screaming about the specks in the eyes of people who don't agree with every single thing we believe?

We are all sinners, all in need of redemption, all headed for an eternity apart from God, all in need of grace and mercy. Whether you like it or not, the leader of your country, state, city is the leader of your country, state, or city, and Jesus loves them. Just as much as he loves you.

"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him. " (Romans 5:7-8, The Message)

2009-08-01T16:16:00.000-07:00

Next week I will journey to Kansas, and attend the wedding of the lovely Miss Julie (not for long) Durkee, and Mr. Joshua Schneider, both of whom I've had the privilege of meeting in Uganda. Christina B and Uncle Ian will both be there, as well as some other friends that I know through facebook's Amani Volunteers group but haven't met yet. I'm excited for all the reunions and the new meet-ups, and especially for Julie and Josh. I just chuckled actually, because the funny thing is, I've never hung out with ANY of these people in the United States before but we all share a bond that goes so much deeper than many bonds I hold with friends in my physical proximity.

One thing that I'm really hoping for is a wake up call. These past couple of weeks I've felt like I've been in a fog, especially with the death of my grandmother last week. There's objectives and passions in my life that I'm feeling numb and helpless about because I can't shake myself awake right now. It's almost the exact opposite of Brooke Fraser's song... I'm changing, falling more and more asleep this month.

WAKE. UP.

Hello, life. Let's do this.

The space between.

2009-07-19T12:27:00.001-07:00

The recent months have brought so much wonderful news that I often find myself in tears, with butterflies in my stomach. The kind of butterflies that you get when you are completely humbled and know that God's hand is all over it: you see things happening that simply cannot be explained any other way.

Yet, I find myself at times almost avoiding writing about it all because when I sit and dwell on thoughts of Africa the emotions are so overwhelming that I cannot contain it. So I just don't go there. I find myself being "all or nothing." Either I want it all: go back to Africa and live this life that I'm called to, or don't hear any of it because the pain of knowing that I must wait is too much. Maybe I'm too impatient for my own good. I'm praying, praying, praying for answers in this time of debt, of longing, of waiting.

But still, despite my impatience, God is so good.

He is so faithful... bringing children home to this very city with speed and efficiency that we never thought possible. Soon, at least 2 of the children all of us volunteers have known, loved, and prayed for will be embraced by arms of their "forever families."

He is inspiring... helping spread the dream of the Suubi women through the cities. I've seen Kirsten being an all star in Chicago and rocking the festival circuit, and Anna in TX catching the fever and selling kits... and my college friend Caitlin is considering a year to serve with these woman... and Erica has been spreading the Suubi fever to her campus at USA.

I am amazed.

I am also asking for prayer as I find my niche here in the states, and as some friends of mine are considering a new venture for the boys' home I've written about here before. There's a lot of news there that I want to share but it's not time yet. Just pray. Pray. Pray.

Love.

Quickly!

2009-07-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm awful at posting updates, even in the midst of so much Uganda-related news that's been happening lately. Quickly though, I wanted to let everyone know to glance at a Relevant magazine this month! Light Gives Heat has been getting some great ads each month, and this month the ad is about an upcoming promotion/collaboration with Jedediah (Jebediah? i need to check later) clothing.

ALSO

There is a feature on Travis Gravette and Global Support Mission. Which reminds me I never really blogged much about time in Kaihura because of the lack of internet there on my last week. Anyways, check it out if you get the chance!

Love.

Dear Uganda,

2009-05-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

My heart aches for you so much it hurts. Not just sometimes... many, many times.

When will I see you again?

Love,

It's about time.

2009-03-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the photo delay. I must admit I was doing good just to post pics on facebook, but I realize that not everyone who follows my blog has a facebook so I thought I'd add a few more on here from time to time. Though I've been home for what seems like forever (and yet still, it could have been that I left last week), Uganda is ever-fresh on my brain. I daydream, night dream, and sometimes even breathe Africa these days (true story: sometimes I try and take a deep inhale from my scarf that I got there).

Katie Snyder sent me some photos from their stash, and from the day she joined me at Amani. Check out more on her blog as well. She also mailed me a rosary that Daisy made me but didn't finish before I left. I am just floored by the fact that Daisy thought of me, and our time at mass together. Not only that, but she sat and hand-rolled these tinier-than-usual paper beads. I have a one-of-a-kind Suubi-esque rosary that I will definitely treasure forever.

I can't believe he's smiling AND looking at the camera.

awww. i love this candid one.

(photos by katie s.)

Spread kit!!!

2009-03-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received my Suubi spread kit in the mail... I can't believe I didnt know about these until right before my trip. In a way, I'm so glad that now I've been... I've seen... I've heard...I've hugged...

Jja jja Margaret showing off her new hairdo

Beautiful, beautiful smiles

Daisy is making YOUR necklace, folks! And doing her thing, laying down the law at a Suubi meeting :)

I've had the pleasure, albeit far too short lived, of meeting and buying directly from these women, and about 120 more. And I hope to do them justice when I talk to people in stores, and person to person and try to increase the local market.

Today I went around to 3 stores in the area where my favourite coffee shop is. It's kind of a hub for the college life in Nashville... the trendy, the fair trade, the bohemian crowd. I've always envisioned Suubi being the perfect product in these stores, so I'm praying that we can get at least one. And if just one here in the Village carries it, I can most likely convince one on 12 South... and maybe one in Cool Springs or Green Hills. Argh. Melissa told the women to be praying for market in the states, and I feel like these are some STRONG prayers coming from these ladies! I'm just praying for God's favor as I talk to the store owners (who have so far all given me the "email this person and send a picture of the product"). I think it's the one bad thing about living in such a crafty little area, because I'm sure they get tons of people coming in pushing products... but I dont care. I'm passionate about this and just hope I can portray that. Even as I sit here, in that coffee shop, I've got my necklace from Agnes around my neck, and several boxes laying across my table. I'm in a high traffic area, just praying for ONE person to talk to, ha. Alright, alright. I'm insane. I've got the fever. And it feels so good.

I've been struggling alot about what I can do here in the states. I feel a little resigned to my fate at work, and I dont know what God's got in store for me next. But I refuse to just sit here, so I've been trying to stay involved as much as I can. Right now, I'm trying to get Suubi placed around town. There's not much to do with Global Support for the time being, no events for now because Travis is traveling and promoting and we just had the This Is Love banquets. I've been floored by the recent development on the Amani adoption front that's going on right here in Nashville... and am hoping that God can use me somehow in assisting these families. Makes me wish I could be some sort of stateside liason for volunteers or families (though I dont feel like I have much expertise in the latter since I havent gone through the process that they will). Anyways, it's a lot to chew on, but I'm happy to do so.

Praying for market, for friends back in Uganda, and for new friends here.

Love.

2009-02-27T04:47:00.001-08:00

The Lord really does work in mysterious, mysterious ways.

I've spent the vast majority of yesterday quietly sobbing and praying in between seeing patients at work, because my Grandpop is very ill in the hospital. They aren't sure how long he has to live, and I am faced with the difficult decision of if and when is best to travel to Pennsylvania where he is. I have no money, because I just had to pay 800 dollars for unexpected car and tire troubles this week, and rent and loans are due early next week... but money isn't the issue when it comes to going to see him. It's merely an inconvenience. It's the decision of do I go now? because Grandpop is under sedation and may not know I'm there? or do I wait and go when he is feeling better perhaps next weekend? or *gulp* if things take a turn for the worse...

It's been hard.

And yet late last night, in the midst of me drowning in my own selfish problems and sorrow, comes a phone call from someone I've never met. Someone in my same town, literally 3 miles away from where I sat, asking me about adoptions from Amani. Dear, sweet, Jesus. You are unmistakeable in times like these. You remind me that life does go on despite one area feeling like it might collapse. That one or more families are having a burden for your children laid on their hearts from overseas... and that You are providing for them.

Hallelujah.

a bit of important self-definition.

2009-01-31T16:26:00.000-08:00

If any of you wanted to know what God's been doing with my heart while I've been in Africa, I don't know if I could tell you. I can say that it was full to the bursting point, nearly every day, with an ever-expanding definition of love; that I was learning so much but at the same time couldn't put my finger on any of it. It was only upon returning that I've started to see where the growth has been in my heart, and now it's only fitting that I testify to a big part of it. If you love me, you may want to read this. No guilt trips if you don't, but I feel that you'll understand me and this past year a little bit better.

I feel like this note is an explanation I owe to many of you. Please don't worry, but I need to get this out of my brain. In a good way. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, here goes.

Somewhere in this past month, this trip saved my life.

Honestly. I was heading nowhere good. I'm not the kind of person who would ever, EVER, do anything to harm myself (so please don't freak out, loved ones). But every day was a struggle to get out of bed, to put myself back into my routine and wait for everything to go wrong no matter how hard I tried. I didn't want to *be* anymore. I was literally and emotionally tired. Broken. And still breaking. I couldn't find much of me left. And when you feel bad enough to where you wish you didn't exist, but firmly stand against the idea of suicide, it can get pretty incapacitating at times when you're just sitting there, alone with your thoughts. Very alone.

I actually Didn't.Want.To.Be.Anymore.

It wasn't just for the days immediately preceding the trip that I felt this way, but weeks and months at a time. Sure, there were great, wonderful times last summer that were key to lifting me out of the deep depression from last winter, but somewhere around the time that the days were getting darker, I felt like I was losing the battle again.

I asked myself- what on EARTH happened to me this past year? A boy broke up with me. So what. That happens. My family was falling apart yet again, not to mention the individuals within, and as the only child I felt like it was my responsibility to clean up. But all of these things I've taken on before. More important than any of these things, I gave up. Subconsciously, then very consciously.

I let an enemy come in and steal nearly everything that was on the table. In fact, I said "Here, I'll help you," and piece by piece I fell apart. I no longer had the strength to resist anything. I had the ideas of strength, the remnants and memories of the strong young woman I had started to grow into, but no actual strength. And I was ashamed of myself for it.

-----------------------
I don't think things were immediately better the moment I stepped onto Ugandan soil, or even when the plane from Nashville took off... maybe it started with the decision just to go this year...maybe it didn't. I know by the end of 2008 I was desperate for change, and while I knew that Africa couldn't be my easy out, my fix-all, I also knew that I couldn't live in America any more. Because I was barely alive inside. So I prayed my heart would awaken while I was there, through forgetting about my situation and trying to be open to someone else's.

I don't know at what point things changed for me on this trip, but they leave me here, changed for certain. I know there were moments that had a big part in it, like talking to Betty at the top of the Adrift Bungee tower, and taking the very conscious plunge towards the Nile 150 feet below. I think that was the first time I truly trusted God would take care of me in exactly a year. And every time I got a crazy piki driver, or walked barefoot through filth somewhere, or had to go out by myself at nighttime, I could feel myself trusting him a little more. I was beginning to think my God could do anything again, and most importantly, that he could do this for me. To tell you the bits of strength and wisdom I witnessed from friends in Uganda (both locals and volunteers) would take another entry entirely.

As I sat in church the day after returning to Nashville, my heart overflowed with gratitude. For the past month, God met me. He said, "Here you are. This is you. And I am here, too. I wasn't really that far away."

In 2009, I've felt like myself again. I feel beautiful inside because I don't feel alone inside like I did last month... and I can't even fully explain why, because I never turned my back on God, but I just couldn't feel Him there like I wanted or needed to at the time.

to wrap up this mini-memoir, I've been thinking highly about this verse this week (something I read first thing when I got home in Katie Davis' blog):

"We are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."- 2 Cor. 4:8-12

Good riddance, 2008. In 2009, I am a new creation. And life is at work in me.

homecoming.

2009-01-25T12:51:00.000-08:00

(from yesterday's journal entry)

This morning, I woke up in Kaihura, with the sun, after about an hour of rooster crowing. I had a cup of tea and conversation with Faith and the guys who were also up early to start digging on the well while it was still cool. There was much waiting, heat, and sweating: waiting for the bus to Kampala, waiting for 4 hours during the ride to town, sweating immediately after arrival in the heat of the day, waiting in traffic to finish some errands in town... about 5 hours of waiting in a nice missionary's house where I could shower and repack my bags, and then a 3 hour wait in traffic to Entebbe.

Bribes paid on Friday: 1 for 20,000 shillings to a rude Kampala policeman who claimed my driver ran the one stop light in town that probably wasnt even on, and he wanted to take us to the prison.

Weird foods eaten: 2 grasshoppers, and Fanta Passion. I'll let you guess which was my favourite.

Random thoughts during the flights: "Grasshoppers taste like pork rinds." "Is it weird to find it weird when I blow my nose and the snot is clear instead of Uganda-dust/dirt colored? or to go to a toilet where there isnt a 5-10 second delay before you, um, hear things hit bottom?"

I have had a week's worth of experiences in even one day. Kaihura to Kampala. Kampala to Entebbe. Entebbe to Amsterdam, to Detroit, to Nashville. Roughly 3 hours of sleep in a two day span means that the entire thing felt like a huge CHUNK of day. Went from 50 degrees, to 80 or 90, then to 8 degrees (Detroit) and back to 30 at home. From village life, to bustling city, and then back to westernized civilization. And the contrast through it all brought this strange, weird "leaving" feeling. "I am a visitor here; I am not permanent," played through my head at times.

Here I go. Back to life. The weirdness is inevitable, and it will creep in, but I think I'm ready for it.

will type up more soon, about experiences in Jinja and Kaihura that I couldnt type because of lack of internet. Actually there was internet for the most part, I just had better things to do that sit at a hot internet cafe for 2 hours a day :)

ps.

2009-01-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

the sunset outside of Love and Hope internet cafe is breathtaking.

and is a stark contrast to the boy sitting to my right playing Grand Theft Auto II. What?

to the west, to the west.

2009-01-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

tugende, we go.

Leaving for Kaihura tomorrow, to join Global Support Mission and hang out in Kaihura for a few days before returning to the states. Saying goodbye to Jinja feels like I'm saying goodbye to all of Uganda already, even though I know I'm not. I wish I had more time with Suubi, with Amani, and with the volunteers who are making this their life...it makes my life richer beyond belief to be here.

for now, let's pray my flights are still at the same time they were a few weeks ago, because i cant access my account info from here... um. please.

tonight there's a party at the boys home... i'll go, we'll all dance, and i'll pack afterwards... hopefully can spend some time with Achiro Betty and Rachel and Kimby too...they deserve a blog of their own to follow. I love them all.

til then,
see you soon. :-/

less and less asleep.

2009-01-12T06:03:00.000-08:00

Across the train tracks from Danita (quite literally) is the village of Soweto. The past two Sundays, some of the Suubi ladies have taken Amberle, Melissa, Katie and I over around 5 pm, and shown us something truly amazing about their culture. These women are Acholi. And several times a week, they dance. Ohhhh, do they dance.

The walk into the village is almost surreal. As soon as you cross into Soweto (over the train tracks), your nostrils are filled with the smell of latrines, your feet are covered in red, red dust, and your hands are grabbed by a growing crowd of 10, 20, 30 children who follow you all the way to your destination. A large clearing which is soon filled by the "Luo Foundation Group," a group of men and women and even jja jjas. They are often drinking homemade spirits, or water, as they start to play on drums made of gourds and some made of cow hide.

The women place us in the midst of the line of dancers, and we dance barefoot until the twilight (when we must begin to find enough pikis to reach home). The drumming is amazing; the women dance with such joy and such a spirit... I wish I could do it justice with just words. You know that you are horrible at this dancing, but they love for you to participate. Amberle says we are like Mzungu television: they will yell and holler if we do well or if we do poorly. And oh, do they yell. "Ai-yi-yi-yi!!!!" is the main cry. There's a huuuuuuge crowd, half children and half teens and adults.

The whistles sound and we dance, we attempt footwork and cabina-shaking that white people just cant do... but it's liberating. The women cheer, and Mama Santa gives us lots of thumbs up. Even the other Mama Santa joins in on dancing and drums... it's amazing.

It's been one of my favourite experiences here... to kick up the dust and then when we get home, watch it run in rivers of red from our feet as we shower and end the day in our nice, ultra-nice home... even in Jinja, we are so blessed. I'm so thankful to LGH for letting me come and see another side of Jinja... it's really something.

Love.
A.

nkwagala nyo nyo nyo...

2009-01-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

I couldn't ask to be in a more amazing place in my life right now. This week has been jam-packed with more heart than I thought you could cram into a single week. From dancing barefoot in Soweto, to getting to know the boys at Caring Place Ministries by teaching English and playing lots and lots of soccer, and visiting our friend's sister in the childrens' hospital here... it's humbling, it's breathtaking, and at the end of the day, you are a very good brand of just plain dirty (I'm beginning to think that red clay runs through my veins and simply pools at my feet by the end of the day).

Amani kids say hello to all their aunties and uncles... and the mamas are still inspiring as always. We shared in Bible study this past week about things we were grateful for this year, and to hear what was on their hearts makes you feel so very silly in comparison sometimes.

I am on my way out to Danita for another Suubi buying day with the new women in the group. It's very, very hot and we're all drinking tons of water. And then tonight we'll say goodbye to some great volunteers who have been here with Young Life. Hopefully will write more later on. Until then, blessings. Love.

3..2..1...

2009-01-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

Bungee!

joys.

2009-01-03T00:39:00.000-08:00

Who thought you might find me in a coffee shop/internet cafe in the middle of Uganda? There is a very nice one that has opened up in town, and I'm coming here to try and upload some photos... but it is a very stark contrast to the scene through the window of pikis and bodas and red dirt and people walking, some with roasted nuts in baskets or bananas on top of their heads.

Today we're making our first trip (well, my first trip) out to Walukuba to see the women of Suubi. Take a visit to the Light Gives Heat website in the entry below to learn more. I'm so excited to finally meet the women I've been reading so much about; the women in Uganda have so much strength, so much hope... it's hard to communicate through just a few words strung together in a blog. But I have a feeling that over time, many mzungu are going to be severely inspired by all of these ladies. And this mzungu can't wait.

Toddler outing to the Source of the Nile. The kids are in the middle of a massive "CHEEEEEESE" shout, F. is making the best face ever in the middle, and S. was jumping up and down on the rock in front of me and about to fall. They're such a handful. A wonderful handful.

Baby Z. This little cutie sat on my lap for a good hour, slurping on the same piece of mango. She's teeny tiny, but in the Baby 1's/Baby B group already. Siouxanne says she is one of the HIV positive kids at Amani... so far I know of 3 or 4 others as well. It makes her non-adoptable to the states for now. Every time I hear that it breaks my heart... but I pray there's Ugandan families that will adopt our positive children. Mama L. adopted S. this past year, and I can't wait to see her and Steffie when they get back in town.

New Years. Glow sticks. Dancing. Amazing. I hope to visit this boys' home much more while I'm in Jinja. Uncle Ian, they miss you alot!

Mzungu... Obama!

2009-01-01T01:57:00.000-08:00

Attempted to post yesterday, but as is one of the perks of internet cafes here in Uganda, I was cut off at my 20 min mark and lost my entire entry :) Ah, well.

I arrived safe and sound on Monday night, and spent the night with my Ugandan friend Lillian at her family's house, and was brought down to Jinja Tuesday by Melissa and Joe. Of course the first place we went after arriving in Jinja was Amani... and the first baby I made a beeline for (after hugging several wonderful mamas) was Jeremiah. I didn't expect a lot when I saw him, but he started grinning this beautiful grin, and crawling (crawling!) towards me, saying "Mama! Mama!" I'm a softie, so I was nearly in tears. And yes, I know that Mama is one of the only words he knows and I'm sure he crawls towards most mzungu's now (white volunteers), but still. It felt amazing. Mama Maggie kept saying, "Oh, surely he remembers you, Auntie." Smiles. Smiles. Lots of them.

There are so many beautiful new kids at Amani, and I'm so excited to get to know this group. This afternoon we're supposed to take the toddlers on an outing, a boat ride to the source of the Nile. Being even near the water will surely feel good since it is so, so HOT here. Apparently this is the hottest part of the year, and definitely dry season, because crop prices at the market are a lot higher than most of us vols remember from last year. It's hard, because you aren't sure how much you can bargain down at the market... you dont want to be taken advantage of as a mzungu, but you want to give them a fair price as well.

Speaking of "Mzungus..." I find it highly amusing that people here have found something new to say to you as you walk down the street. Usually, it's "Mzungu how are YOU?" or "Mzungu, fine, mzungu bye" but now?

"Mzungu.... OBAMAAAAA!"

It's a very excited, emphatic cheer. And I die laughing every time. I was looking for a cell phone at a stand yesterday and the first greeting I get was "OBAMA!" and then, "How are you? You like Obama?" Hahaha.

Last night, we spent New Year's Eve at a restaurant called Two Friends, where they had a fireworks display (Ugandan fireworks are the same, except perhaps not as carefully aligned, as several ended up shooting out into the crowd and showering us with sparks and "fire"). Also, it was very amusing to note that at midnight, they counted *up* to the New Year. 1, 2, 3....and 10 was when we shouted and "had much banging on things."

But before Two Friends, we headed to a boys' home down the road to bring a holiday surprise. I'll have to write more about these boys later, but there are 15 former Jinja street kids who live there with 2 Ugandan Aunties and an Uncle. We arrived, bearing a strange item that both Amberle and I had somehow thought to pack... glow sticks. We handed them out and had the boys walk outside for further instructions... seeing the looks on their faces when we told them to break the sticks, and shake, was PRICELESS. Those boys hooped and hollered and danced for a couple of hours with us, playing hide and seek in the dark, and dancing. Oh, there was much dancing. Those boys pounded out amazing beats with sticks and two jerry cans and we all just danced in the yard... my heart hasn't been so full in a long time.

Running out of time. Until next time...
Love.
Lots of it.

here we go.

2008-12-28T07:21:00.000-08:00

In a few short hours, I'll be Uganda-bound. And sometime Mon. night, I will land and be greeted by my dear friend from college Lillian, who is from northern Uganda. The thing I get asked most frequently is about the length of my flight... about 18 hours, plus time change. But that's never too bad. You get to sleep and there are usually movies. As long as I make my connections, I'm not worried.

Please keep me (and my friends already in UG or who are preparing to leave soon) in your prayers today and the next month. Traveling is always a little scary for me, and travel within Uganda as many people can tell you is definitely lacking some of the safety we're used to in America.

My bags are super heavy for now, surely almost pushing the weight limit. Ugh. I hate that. But in reality, they only contain a few items of clothing, 2 pairs of shoes, and the rest is either for Suubi or for the kids at Amani/Walukuba/Home Again. And film! Ha. I know on the way back I will only have one bag to carry, but I do hate being "that girl" with the heavy luggage until then :)

This is the first time I'm not leaving from Ozark and the first time I dont have my parents to help me pack and see me off. It's a bit lonely. A bit scary. As is the fact that I'm flying over by myself this time. But I realize I'm a big girl now, and I can do this. Riiiiight? Errm, right.

In the meantime, check out the spots I'll be involved with:

www.lightgivesheat.org

www.globalsupportmission.com

www.amanibabycottage.org

Love,

tagged, i'm it. (you're next!)

2008-12-22T18:21:00.000-08:00

Amy has tagged me, and since I'll admit to doing the occasional survey, I'm going to do this one too. It's not terribly related to my trip, so you can skip this entry if you like! Besides, it makes for a nice packing break.

8 TV Shows I Watch:

1. Lost - more than the show itself, I love watching it with our wonderful Thurs. night crowd!

2. The Office - Jim Halpert... adorable. And I'll watch American or BBC version (recently became addicted to both)

3. Biggest Loser - I get really excited about this one.

4. So You Think You Can Dance (AMERICAN! haha)

5. Jon & Kate Plus 8

6. House

7. America's Next Top Model (oh Nitasha, I miss our viewing nights)

8. Project Runway (this past season was hilarious. I want a Blaine as my friend)

8 Favourite Restaurants: (note there are prolly no fancy restaurants on here because I just haven't been to that many yet!)

1. Ozzie's in Jinja (Amy: I totally agree, especially about the salad dressing!... hey, does Mama Cook count?)

2. Taco Bell

3. Red Lobster

4. Jackson's in Nashville (surprise, surprise)

5. Liquid (sushi restaurant in Mobile with live Jazz trio on wed nights)

6. Fido (another local Nashville spot)

7. Mom/Dad's kitchen - It's not a technical restaurant, but hey. I love some family cookin'.

8. Logan's Roadhouse

8 Things that Happened to me Today:

1. Felt very unprepared for the 10 degree morning as I walked outside...this Alabama girl can't layer too well.

2. I got lots of hugs from patients who I wont see anymore because of my trip

3. A coworker surprised us all with pizza for lunch

4. I got lots of Christmas cards in the mail, and my fave was a pic of my stepsis and two nephews! Adorable.

5. Found out someone very dear to me is pregnant! Don't know if I'm allowed to announce it yet but I am so so so happy for her/them.

6. I am about to wrap Christmas presents and pack up for the drive to Ozark tomorrow.

7. Made a mixed cd for a friend

8. Will be chatting with a cop at 1030 regarding another cop who thought it would be cool to look me up on Facebook using personal info gathered during a roadside assist... yikes.

8 Things I Look Forward to:

1. Birth of above mentioned baby and hopefully traveling to visit in 2009!

2. My next road trip to Mobile to see friends, whenever that will be.

3. UGANDA. UGANDA. UGANDA.

4. Holding Jeremiah. Holding his little hands, walking with him, and hearing that laugh again.

5. Meeting all the new babies, and reuniting with old friends, babies, and mamas.

6. Seeing my horse Honey at home this week and hopefully going riding if the weather permits.

7. Celebrating New Years and my 25th in Uganda! However that will be.

8. Paying off my school loans. Whenever that will be. :)

8 Things I Wish For:

1. To be debt free! And for my parents to be secure, retirement-wise.

2. To be able to go, at some point in my life, for a long term mission to Uganda and short/long term work in other countries, as well as to work as a PT on the Mercy Ship at some point.

3. A local stables where I can bring Honey up to live near me

4. A husband who understands, respects, and encourages the desires of my heart, especially the desire to adopt.

5. The ability to play any musical instrument well by ear or with a little practice.

6. A puppy! But only after Honey moves to Nashville.

7. A lifetime pass to fly anywhere I want for free, first class (okay maybe i've been watching too much Lost)

8. Clear skin so I dont feel like a teenager forever, ha.

Okay. I'm supposed to tag folks but no one's really reading this journal yet, so I will tag Nitasha, Katie D., and possibly Sarah K.!

Goodnight.

ps- one week from tonight I will be landing in Entebbe. YAY!

change of direction.

2008-12-10T19:50:00.000-08:00

Praying tonight that God will ease this struggle in my heart, with anxiety and replace it with gratitude. I'm starting to feel like the time I will have is really not enough; and to feel overscheduled instead of blessed and laid back, which is something that is the true spirit of Uganda that I always feel there... so for now, as much as I can... I'm throwing out the schedule. Day to day, I will let God write my plan with Amani and Suubi, and at the end, hopefully I'll make it to Kaihura for a few days. I have hopes to do a little bit of everything and see a lot of people/things this trip... but really, I'd rather have quality time, quality relationships. I dont want to be the same uptight, anxious, worried girl that I feel like I'm becoming here. Living in fear amounts to all those things... living in confidence and peace and purpose amounts to so much more.

Alright God.

Rewrite my plans.

Show me something unexpected and unscripted.

It's up to you.

Love. Love. Love.

2008-12-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

This makes me smile, so much.

2004. Move in day at Amani.

Passport. Check.

2008-12-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

I was so proud of myself for finding my yellow fever immunization card and when i went to place it with my passport, I realized I had a bigger problem. Not there. Now, I've only moved that passport once all year, and that was to get my TN driver's license, but it's amazing the places you'll try and convince yourself you might've placed it when you're getting desperate.

After 2 hours, a phone call to the parents to scour the hometown homesteads just in case, 4 trips out to my car in the dark to check and recheck, and one mini breakdown of tears and frantic prayer.... I finally found it. In a boutique bag, mixed in with some mail and other items I'd pulled out of a purse when cleaning it out and then shoved in a bag inside another bag and placed in a corner of my room once when I was in a hurry to clean up for company. What. On. Earth. was it doing there? I will never know.

But I am SO grateful. Crisis averted!

Passport and immunizations: check.

Malaria meds: check (pending an expiration date double check).

Tickets: check.

We're getting there, folks.

This is how lame...

2008-12-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

I'm not really one for the Christmas spirit right now... but this morning as I was getting ready, this was my mental process:

" Need to go to Fido. Okay. What do I need to get done?

Volunteer app for LGH.

Email Debbie.

Make a list of stuff for the trip that's gotta be done.

Make lots of lists.

lists.

(then singing)

Makin' a list...

Checkin' it twice...

Gonna get beans, chapati and rice..."

I guess I'm starting to get a little bit excited. Just a little.

On Losing and Winning, sort of.

2008-12-02T17:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here watching the Biggest Loser, and trying to wind down from what's already become a very stressful week at work. It's ironic, because I skipped my own workout tonight which makes me feel lazy. Chubbier. And generally not good about myself. I'm trying to get excited about the holiday season, I really am, but for several reasons I find myself just barely hanging on in the fight against my own personal demons.

I want to be stronger than this, but I can identify with The Biggest Loser contestants right now: they're trying to hold on with their bare feet and hands, sandwiched between plexiglass sheets above a huge pool. The timer's ticking away, and their feet are getting sweaty and slipping inch by inch gradually despite their best efforts, and one by one they have to bail out and jump in. If I can just hang on, try not to *fall* then I can jump in of my own free will. I want that freedom to just consume me.

I am reminded that I'm not just going to "be on a missions trip" to Uganda. I expect change. I hope for renewal and the ability to rejoice in my circumstance not just in Uganda but once I am back. Things at work will still be stressful, personal relationships may still be strained, but I want Uganda to slap me in the face and tell me to stop complaining because there is a bigger picture. The people of Jinja, Gulu and Kaihura that I have met are inspirational. They have experienced so much and yet do not let it weaken them; instead, they find strength in family and faith. The women I have met there have strength beyond measure.

Strength. Strength. Strength.

Prayers this week: strength to fight my own emotions and stay focused, for Amani and Amazima to raise their needed funds for property and the upcoming years' costs, and traveling mercies for Travis, David, and Cooper (who left Sunday for Kenya, Tanz., and Ug.), as well as divine appointments to situations in which all of us Americans in Uganda can be of use.

no news

2008-11-19T19:13:00.001-08:00

Um, I am an idiot who got Tuesday confused with Wednesday and missed the date on which to fax my contract by to the travel agency....afldsjk;alf;djk!

Praying this goes through anyways. The agent said it should be okay and theyd call if there was a problem...so far no news, which is good news!

she's mental.

2008-11-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

Spent tonight tagging and bagging some items for Global Support's 2nd ave. party tomorrow night. If more people knew about this blog thus far, I'd tell you all to come...but I guess that's moot for now. Regardless, I've spent most of today and this weekend thinking about the trip. As I fell asleep last night I was beginning to dream of something relating to Africa, and still thinking about the aforementioned/blogged situation... and first thing when I woke up I ran into Melissa online.

The dear girl assured me that they'd be saving me a spot in the house come December, and she gave me a little more info as to things that are going on around town. Suubi seems to be growing exponentially... they are working with over a hundred women who are making the necklaces, and no doubt forming lasting relationships there. I believe a couple of the guys are doing weekly meals in a nearby village, and I'm hoping to find out more about that. Maybe my coworkers might be interested in sponsoring one of these meals? I wonder if I'm allowed to ask about this.

The wheels are spinning.

Spinning.

And at times today, I've almost felt sick with it all spinning like this. Tears came to my eyes at church today as the pastor was talking about purpose, and only mentioned the word missionary before my mind was off on its own tangent. I envisioned myself holding Jeremiah, or walking down the street on the way to the babies' home...and here it is November...and I am already feeling the pain of what it will be like to leave another place I long to call home.

Spinning.

Grace.

2008-11-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

One face I look forward to seeing again, just one of so many.

If I could seek prayer from you guys about something sort of unspoken, I'd love to ask for that now. I realize as I look through a lot of my photos, that there are some memories that are going to be hard for me to deal with as I go back over this year. It pains my heart still, almost a year later, and I am a little afraid of how it will affect me once I'm there. I am just praying that the Lord will mend this wound and allow me to truly move on without all this hurt. And to truly serve with an open, unembittered heart.

what it's about.

2008-11-13T11:22:00.001-08:00

I've been struggling all year with things that are on levels I've never considered before. Thinking about love and relationships, my career, my relationship with God, and more specifically, my purpose regarding how I can serve God here in the states... and how the call to foreign missions is supposed to be incorporated into that.

I came very close to quitting my job before I even started, because upon returning from Uganda last summer I felt like a piece of me was literally ripped out of my chest and kept in the country...and the only way to feel complete was to seek it out again. It's a love and a confidence that fills you that is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through something similar. Maybe this is what it will feel like one day when I fall in love with my husband; I dont know. But I decided that as hard as it was, I knew God had provided this job for me in Nashville and was calling me to grow in this profession and to be involved with people's lives in this manner as well. I must admit there are times this year that I've let my own selfish desires to be elsewhere prevent me from really allowing myself to grow in my career like I should... because I didn't (and still don't) understand how this all pans out or fits into the grand scheme.

But who says I need to know how things will end? There are a few things I'm certain of, and the rest are blanks that will be revealed to me in due time. I want to be a good PT, well-rounded, and eventually specialize in peds and hippotherapy (therapeutic riding)... but that takes time. I see myself doing that one day when I've got kids of my own. I know that travel and missions work is going to be in there, too... but is that something for me while I'm single? When I'm married? How can I branch out and explore the cultures of other countries while still being so in love with Uganda and east Africa? When do I have time for it all?

Well. That's probably more than most of you wanted to read about the goings-on in my brain.

I count myself very blessed to be in a career where my bosses are allowing me to take a large, month-long chunk off of work, cutting into their patient-care dynamic, to go back to Uganda. And an even bigger blessing... all but one day is paid time off so I dont have to worry about rent, loan payments, car payments, or bills piling up while I am gone. Maybe it will be a while before I can move to Uganda or wherever God's calling me (Peace Corps? Other ministries?), but I hope that this "little" interlude will be a time for God to renew in me the desires for His Kingdom and view of "love" in the big picture...I pray for divine appointments with new ministries and possibly travel to a surrounding country so I can just soak more of the world and learn and learn and learn.

Is it a self-serving trip? Because I miss Africa? Maybe. Because I feel like if I dont go I'm going to drift so far away that I can't remember the point anymore? Gosh, I hope not. But I know God's doing such great things. And hopefully I can just offer myself as a servant, to get my hands dirty and hopefully make the lives easier for those I'm staying with, to offer any knowledge I can as a PT to orphanages in the area, and to spend the month in complete worship of my king.

love.

Ahem

2008-11-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

An explanation.

Trip 1: email updates.

Trip 2: facebook group updates about our group (Erica, Rebekah, and myself)

Trip 3: getting with the times, and deciding to set up a blog specifically for those who would like to read about how my trip is going this year, friends, family, and coworkers alike. I'm in hopes that this trip will not be the only time I use this blog space... hopefully there will be more trips to follow, as the time is right and as God allows.

I'm hoping to purchase my ticket within the week, and then this will all finally feel "real" again. I don't want to be so comfortable with the trip to Uganda that I forget about the excitement, the nerves, and the extreme blessing of it all. I've been hesitant to talk to many of you about it because I was afraid that I might not be able to take the time off from work, or I might not be able to afford the trip, so I thought I should wait before letting myself jump for joy.

Soon...

love,

teach us to love.

Candid.

The Boys I Love

God Knows.

Kaihura

Challenged.

Coming together...

updates

Everyone deserves a chance...

Another simple revelation.

What We Can Learn From the Poor

Nice to meet you, Josie Love.

A bit of non Uganda, but in keeping with theme.

Emotional exhaustion, heavy hearts, and a little optimism

The World is in Motion

SEPTEMBER 11, 2009

Remember?

The space between.

Quickly!

Dear Uganda,

It's about time.

Spread kit!!!

a bit of important self-definition.

homecoming.

ps.

to the west, to the west.

less and less asleep.

nkwagala nyo nyo nyo...

3..2..1...

joys.

Mzungu... Obama!

here we go.

tagged, i'm it. (you're next!)

change of direction.

Love. Love. Love.

Passport. Check.

This is how lame...

On Losing and Winning, sort of.

no news

she's mental.

Grace.

what it's about.

*Ahem*

Ahem